It’s Hard. Where to Start?

 

I’ll tell you a little bit about my “Medical Condition”, I think they call me “NUTS”. I was so down, there was no way out, I was alone, frightened, and decided life was not worth living. My girls had left home. They had their own lives to lead. I lost my business, home, reputation, respect and dignity. I abused pills, drink and hurt myself. The booze was and still is a big hiccup; you try to forget your problems, the stress is easy to deal with when you are “out your head”. I’ve never ever lived alone in 45 years, how can I do it? No one needs me. All good, valuable reasons for me not to be here anymore. Then I’m taken to the nut house!! Me, Jacqueline Walker-Bowes. God!! Help, Die, Why? How? I do need help.

 

I was institutionalised for 5 months 2 weeks 4 days 7 hours and 15 minutes. Sunnyside hospital was my safety net, I could just be me and I felt safe for the first time in my life, no one could get to me, judge or criticise me. They could save me. No therapy, no nursing, no fuss, just get on with life living in hospital, week to week, month to month, then, wow!! Shit!! What’s going on, I’m out!! New cottage, living alone, not sharing a loo anymore, do I need tea bags??! I have a CPN, It’s nice to see him for a chat, but he’s never been depressed. I need real people. Is this worth it? Should I bother? Why me? I don’t deserve this? Forget it Jacks? Now when I start my next chapter, I need you to believe what I’m saying.

 

I would never have believed what’s going on in my life. I want you to hear “how I’m doing now”. My very good friend introduced me to Augment.

 

At first, I thought this was a “drop in centre for nutters”, I was wrong. Since I was thrown back into the big bad world again, I actually felt safe again. Every person made me feel welcome. Every person had a story to share, they listened and understood me. My life really could be rebuilt, I am worth something. They made me believe that, you know Jacks, you could go places. Do what you want.

 

The support, guidance and understanding helped me to achieve so much. I now, after being free for only nine weeks, attend Angus College two days per week brushing up on my computer skills. I’ve attended a three hour interview, sat an English exam and been accepted to start Teacher Training Course in September. I would never have believed I could do all this and Augment has given me so many positives to live for.

 

My recovery plan is to remind myself of the good, easy, normal, great things in my life. I have two fantastic daughters, they are my world, both successful in their own way, and I’m so proud of them. I did that? I feel I‘m worth something now. I have Augment, I believe in me! Lots of group meeting, one to ones, always someone to listen. Then your confidence starts to grow and you start helping other people, they actually listen. I’m working so hard not to be ill, every day I have challenges, and my bad head will creep in, then I remember, look what you’ve done? Look at what you are achieving.

 

Everyday just to wash and dress, answer the phone, make a cup of tea, all of these things seem so “normal” but they were chores for me. Now with Augment, all the members, friends, team. I cook, I clean, go on the computer, do meetings, weed grounds and I’m loving nearly every minute of it. Yes, I still have bad days, I’m not cured, and I’m recovering.

 

But, with Augment’s help I will continue to recover. I believe it now.